I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
