U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
