Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
