i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
