hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
