her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
