I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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