So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
