So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
