I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
