You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
