Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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