nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
