He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
