so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
