wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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