I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
