Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
