I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
