he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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