I just cut my nipple shaving
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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