Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
