I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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