my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
no, he came in my armpit
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
