Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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