I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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