Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
