I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
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