soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Watching her eat just hurts me
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
