actually, I'm a sock model
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Pants are for mortals
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
