her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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