it's like iHOP with fire
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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