I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
