I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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