Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
