sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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