I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
