I think I just saw someone hide a body.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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