i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
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