Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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