I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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