She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
