i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
