Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
