We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
