1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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