I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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