im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
