remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
