I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
