The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
